More Dating tips for Dummies
by JA Baker
Summary: Sequel to Dating for Dummies: Osiris is about to find out what happens when you threaten an Old One’s boyfriend...


_Italic text denotes the deeper voice of the Goa'uld._

**More Dating tips for Dummies**

"There are some things a man should just not see!" Jack sank back down below the low stone wall SG-1 was sheltering behind, "It's almost as bad as the time I walked in on my parents..."

"How did she do that?" Daniel sat dumbfounded next to his friend, "And where did the red amour and blue face paint come from?"

It had started, as these things often do, with a routine mission to investigate some ruins found on an uninhabited world on the far side of the galaxy. Due to the nature of the writing found carved on the ruins it had been decided to send Illyria along with them. Jack had been a little hesitant: although their relationship was progressing smoothly, certain revelations about her past history had shaken his world view to the very core. Keeping them secret from the rest of the team had been a necessity; they would have thought that he was nuts.

For her part, Illyria seemed happy to play the role of a simple researcher during the day, and kept up her guise as a normal human when at the SGC or around town. It was only when alone with Jack that she slipped back into her normal state. It had taken Jack some time to get used to the whole 'demon goddess' idea, but considering the things he'd seen since first stepping through the Stargate, it almost made sense.

The most interesting part of their relationship had happened shortly after Illyria decided that she was going to move into Jack's house on the full-time basis: Thor, on one of his visits to Earth, had detected Illyria and beamed her up. Jack had been startled that the Asgard not only knew about magic, but had long ago incorporated it into their technology. Thor and Illyria had spoken for hours until the Asgardian commander was happy that she was no threat to Earth or any other planet. He seemed highly amused that Jack would pursue a relationship with such a being, and promised to keep a close eye on how things developed between the two.

Jack was sure that the short, grey alien had been smirking when he had beamed the two of them back down to Earth.

Life had settled into something approaching a routine: Illyria worked regular shifts at the SGC, while Jack worked as and when needed. He new that his girlfriend was less than happy that he would often spend days on end off-world, especially with Sam. It hadn't taken her long to catch wind of the vibe between the two officers, and it had taken Jack more than an hour to talk her out of hanging, drawing and quartering the astrophysicist, a threat she had been all too ready to follow through on.

Although Illyria was willing to be at least polite around Sam, there was still undeniable hostility between them. Jack was just glad that his subordinate didn't know how much danger she would be in if she ever put a foot wrong.

Then came the day that General Hammond had ordered them to take Illyria with them on this mission: it had started out ok, but something in the back of Jack's mind told him that something was going to happen. He kept an eye out, but he couldn't see anything to be worried about...

The unmistakable crack of a staff weapon discharging was the first sign of danger, and Jack knew it was really going to hit the proverbial fan when the first shot hit Illyria square in the chest. She looked down at the burn mark in the middle of her BDU's and fell flat on her back. Jack was stunned, surprised that anything could hurt her, then terrified that she might be dead. He tried to run to her, but a barrage of weapons fire pinned him down behind a large rock. Then came a blinding white flash as a Goa'uld shock grenade detonated nearby, and Jack's world went white.

He awoke sometime later to find his arms bound behind his back, lines up with the rest of team in front of an already gloating Osiris.

"_Well, well, well; SG-1, at my feat._" She laughed, "_How I have dreamed of this moment._"

"Shouldn't that be 'at my feet, again'?" Jack asked, but his heart wasn't in it.

"_For the last time: my lord Anubis has decided that you are too dangerous to risk imprisoning_." Osiris turned to the Kull warriors guarding the prisoners, "_Kill them!_"

There was what could only be described as a roar of anger from somewhere off to the side, as Illyria leaped to her feet, her skin already taking on its normal blue tint. She grabbed the front of her BDU's with one hand and ripped them away, uncovering her preferred red amour. Two of the Kull warriors aimed their weapons at her and fired, but the blasts had no noticeable effect. Indeed, the demon grabbed one of them and ripped it arm clean off of its shoulder and hit its companion around the head, knocking them both to the ground.

A moments silence followed, and then the other drones began to fire of the enraged woman, hitting her with a near constant stream of plasma blasts that would have killed any human. They didn't even slow her down as she advanced on them, tearing apart their bodies with her bear hands like they were made of paper. Jack ushered his team towards the nearby wall, and risked a quick glance at Illyria: she was grinning from ear to ear, laughing as she slaughtered her opponents one by one.

"Colonel?" Sam looked at him, "Something you want to tell us about your girlfriend?"

"Very long story, Carter." Jack ducked as the decapitated head of one Kull warrior flew over the wall and landed at his feet, "Just be glad she'd on our side."

"Indeed." Teal'c nodded his head solemnly, amazed by the wholesale carnage.

"Jack." Illyria called out after a while, "What do you wish me to do with this one?"

SG-1 slowly stood to find Illyria standing, holding Osiris off of the ground with one hand around her throat. The System Lord clawed at the Old One's fingers, but even her enhanced strength was no match for the former demon queen. She kicked out frantically, her feet bouncing off red amour covered in the blood of an entire platoon of Kull warriors.

"You'd better put her down." Jack walked over, struggling to undo the bonds that held his hands behind his back, "You don't know where she's been."

Illyria looked at Osiris like she was something she'd stepped in on the street, and then let her go. The Goa'uld sank to her knees, chocking.

"_Why do you do as he says?_" She asked, "_You are obviously more powerful..._"

"If I do as he says now, then tonight he will do as I say in the bedroom." Illyria smirked, "I know your kind of old: many thousands of years ago, one of your number helped my enemies destroy my physical form and imprison my spirit in the Deeper Well. Tell me, does Ra still live?"

"He died." Jack smiled, "I killed him."

"For that you shall be rewarded." Illyria smiled coyly before turning back to Osiris, "Tell your people that Illyria of Vahla ha'nesh has returned." A bone shattering backhanded slap knocked the System Lord to the ground, out cold, "This planet no longer interests me."

"Yeah, we should probably head back anyway." Jack turned so she could untie his hands; "You'd better morph back into your BDU's before we reach the Stargate." He looked at the rest of SG-1, "And something tells me that we're going to spend most of tonight explaining what just happened..."

**The End...?**

_That is most likely that, unless I have another plot-bunny jump into my head..._


End file.
